BIG DADDY
Adam Sandler, 1999
Note appearance of Jon Stewart, host of 'The Daily Show", as one of the lawyers
Issue: Whether Sonny Cofax should have custody of a small child named Julian.
Judge: Good Morning. We're here to determine proper custody of Julian McGrath, also known as Julian Garrety, a minor child. Representing the City of New York . . .
Attorney: Ted Castelucci. Arthur Brooks, Social Services.
Judge: And representing Sonny Cofax?
Attorney: Phillip Dematto. Thomas Graton.
Mr. Cofax: Plus I'll pretty much be representing myself your honor.
Judge: Anyone else?
Lela Maloney your honor.
Judge: First Witness.
A: Cofax is a good egg, he was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here Miss, what are you going to do about it?
Mr. Cofax: What? Are you drunk Mr. Herlhay?
A: I had a few Chardonnay's, what of it?
Q: Get off the stand please.
A: You got it.
[Next witness]- - - - -
A: Mr. Cofax is a really cool guy. Wish my dad was as cool as him. You see my dad was a military man. Guess I wasn't such a "good soldier". When I was thirty-five years old, he attempted to give me a crew cut while I was sleeping one afternoon. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live out on the streets than under his freaky assed rules. Anyway, I think Mr. should be acquitted of all the charges. If O.J. can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid. This guy knows what I'm talking about. No more questions.
[Next witness]- - - - -
Q: And how long have you been delivering food to Mr. Cofax?
A: I deliver food for six (6) years, plus . . . . .I ate food on the way, so its a problem.
Q: I see, and in your experience was Sonny a good father to Julian?
A: Oh yes, they make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish.
Q: Lamb and tuna fish?
A: Maybe like spaghetti and meatballs. Would you be a little more comfortable with that analogy?
Spectator: Yes, considering we're in America. I mean if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out!
A: Hey listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut Mr.
Spectator: Let's see your clippers.
A: Not my problem your father was sick.
Spectator: Stop yelling at me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Judge: Order, order, order!
Attorney: Excuse me, am I in the right room?
Judge: Who the hell are you?
Attorney: Mr. Cofaxs' co-counsel.
Judge: He has enough co-counsels.
Attorney: Well, one more wouldn't hurt.
Judge: Well, let's get on with it, next witness.
City of New York: Your honor, Mr. Cofax is simply parading his buddies up there, can't they find somebody who isn't a friend?
[Next witness]---
Q: And what were Julian and Mr. Cofax doing when you saw them?
A: Shopping.
Q: And did Mr. Cofax appear to be an attentive and loving father?
A: He certainly did.
Q: And how long have you disliked Mr. Cofax?
A: Since the day I met him.
Q: And, for the record, where did you work before you attended medical school?
A: Hooters.
Q: No further questions.
Judge: Next witness.
Your honor, we'd like to call Julian McGrath.
Q: If it's ok with you Julian, I'd like to ask you a few questions. This is just you and me talking so don't even pay attention to all these people. Can you tell me how old you are? Your honor one (1) second. (She hands Julian a pair of sunglasses and he puts them on.) That's better, now can you tell me how old you are?
A: Five.
Q: And what's your birthday?
A July 15th.
Q: Do you know where you were born?
A: Toronto.
Q Toronto? I thought you were from Buffalo?
A: I moved to Buffalo with my mommy.
Q: And for the past six (6) weeks you have been living with Sunny, right?
A: Yes.
Q: And did you and Sonny have fun together?
A: Yes.
Q: What kind of things would you do with Sonny?
A: He taught me how to do a sleeper hold like Keith J. Strongbow.
Q: That's nice. Anything else?
A: he taught me how to pee on a building.
Q: Really?
A: And he taught me that Stix was one of the greatest American rock bands and they only got a bad rap because most critics are cynical assholes.
Q: Well I think we'd all agree with that. Now before you came to Sonny's apartment, do you remember what the last thing your mommy to you was?
A: That she loved me and I was going to live with my new daddy.
Q: And if your mommy could pick any one (1) in the world to be your new daddy, who do you think she would pick be?
A: Sonny.
Q: Thank you Julian. You can step down.
Judge: Mr. Cofax anyone else?
Mr. Cofax: I'd like to call upon myself your honor.
Judge: Awesome. And which of your esteemed co-counsels will be examining you?
Mr. Cofax: My father, Lenny Cofax.
Spectator: What? Forget it Sonny.
Judge: What is going on?
Mr. Cofax: Your honor, there is nobody in this world who thinks I shouldn't have a child more than that man back there. He also happens to be one (1) of the most respected lawyers in all of Florida so I figure if I can make a believer out of him, I can make a believer out of everyone in this court.
State: Objection your honor. This court is after the truth, not the opinion of the Defendant's father.
(r. Cofax, Sr.): You want my opinion, my son is a moron.
State: I withdraw my objection, please proceed.
Judge: Mr. Cofax.
Mr. Cofax, Sr.: Your honor, this case is simple. It is absurd to think that Sonny Cofax is ready to raise a child.
Defense: Objection.
M. Cofax, Sr.: Shut up Tommy.
Q: First of all, how did this sweet little boy, Julian, end up under your supervision?
A: I told social services that my name was Kevin Garrity.
Q: And, of course, you are not Kevin Garrity.
A: No.
Q: So you lied?
A: Yes.
Q: Like the time I found a bag of pot in your underwear drawer and you told me that you thought they were pencil shavings?
A: Yeah
Q: And remember the time when I called you up and told you that your Aunt Fay was coming to New York and I told you that I wanted you to take her around, show her the city, and you said that you had better things to do, didn't you?
A: That's right.
Q: Now I'm just curious, what were those better things that you had to do?
A: Jethro Tull had a reunion concert in New Jersey so I caught that.
Q: And what happened to your Aunt Fay that weekend?
A: She died.
Q: Yes she did. By any chance did you happen to make it to her funeral?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: I went to Jones beach, got drunk and fell asleep.
Q: Some role model. Your honor. My son doesn't have health insurance. He doesn't know how to boil an egg. He filed for social security at the age of thirty . He is a drain on the economy, on the country and most of all on me. Your honor, to give this young man custody over another life is not only wrong, it's insane
A: Hey, I love you. You don't have to be scared, it's alright.
Q: Scared?
A If I get custody of Julian, I'll be his father forever and that scares you because you think there's a good chance I might fail.
Q: Sonny, it's more than a chance, it's a certainty.
A: Dad, you can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood, or that I might break my leg skiing, but don't be scared about me being a dad because I cannot fail at that because I can't. I love this kid too much. I love him as much as you love me, dad. And I'm going to give him advice and I'm going to guide him and I'm going to be there for him whenever he needs me. I'll fly to New York to be at his court case even if I disagree with why he is there in the first place.
Q: Sonny, you work in a toll booth.
A: Don't be scared about me making money, I am in love with a beautiful girl who makes plenty of it. She'll be my sugar mama. I know this is the right thing to do dad because I would die for this kid just so he wouldn't have to feel one ounce of sadness. That's why you are right now is to protect me, to be scared for me. To be a good father and that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Q Your honor, my son deserves this kid.
Judge: Mr. Cofax, the fact is you kidnapped this child. Not only shouldn't you get custody, but since you obtained the child by defrauding the state of New York you should be in jail. Bailiff, please remand him until I can figure out the punishment.
Attorney: Your honor you can't take him away. As that boy's father, I refuse to press charges. Corinne, I'm sorry. Six years ago, you know, Joe Carter. You know, Toronto and the Phillies. The World Series. Mitch Williams and the . . .we flew up for the night. There was a girl. I am an idiot. I was so hammered. Chicken wings and Molson 30. You know Canadian Beer is like moonshine. Sonny you remember, right. it was at that Toronto Hooters.
A: Oh, yeah, but that was before he met you Corrine, that Hooters thing, that was a coincidence.
Attorney: I'm sorry Corinne, I know this changes everything but I had to do the right thing.
Judge: Mr. Castelucci?
State: Pending blood tests . . .whatever.
Judge: Then the court grants custody to Kevin Garrity pending the results of a DNA test.
Julian: Nooooooooooooooo! I want you to be my dad Sonny.
Sonny: I know pal, but I'm not sure that can happen exactly the way we want it, it seems like you already have a daddy. But I'll tell you what I can do, I can be your friend. No matter what, alright? I'll always be your friend. I'll always be around. I promise.
THE END